Welcome to 2018

Before I jumped into the new year intention setting I did a little reflecting on the past year and all of the good, bad, and ugly.  Like every one before it, there were many changes, many lessons, many hellos, and a few goodbyes.  But 2017 was kind of monumental for me.  It was the year I began to let go and put faith in the present moment and all the emotions that came with it, acknowledging things for what they were without making a jump to change them right away.  For most of my adult life I have struggled with depression which sometimes presents itself with anger and frustration and sometimes with apathy and sloth.  But this year was different.  I seem to have found myself dug out from under all that sadness.   I can't put my finger on one certain thing that did it for me, and truth be told, at times there is an impulse to warn my heart that this may not be over.  But it feels so damn good, and I feel for the first time that I am back in the driver seat of my own happiness.  This is not to say that I'm shitting rainbows and walking on clouds, and some days are better than others, but it feels sturdy and steadfast, and un-extraordinarily miraculous.  Which is, I think, how it's supposed to feel.  Though many things played out this year, my suspicion is that I was present more than I have ever been in my life.  It's hard work holding onto past pain and trying to force the future into your vision of perfection.   And after all these years I don't want to live that way.  I want to tuck those learned lessons into my toolbox and then burn the story, I want to set intentions for my future and then sit with open palms to receive what is meant for me, even if it looks nothing like my vision.  So for this new year I won't make any bold moves as being present is enough for now.